Dad's Song

I mean this to be the first of a series of poems about the family. 

I.
Never be angry.
I can't remember my dad very well.
I can remember how he sounded.
He never sounded that mean or sad
But he was both, hidden where
He could watch them.
And they drove him into doing things.

I remember the envy and the hate.
I remember the sadness
More than I remember him.
He was old and a long journey ended.
Charming, angry and drunk
One following the other, taking him
Everywhere but where anyone else wanted to go.

When charming he laughed like the springtime
When angry and drunk he bellowed.
     Some examples:
Balls! (exasperation voice for mechanicals)
Bull Shit! (exasperation voice for people)
Asshole! (exasperation voice that made me laugh)
Still does maybe it's the word that does the trick.

Hardly ever said fuck or cocksucker
Those unwrapped gifts
Are my exasperation voice for him. 

II.
He
     Gave me a tape recorder once which
     Caused me to laugh at his voice.
I
     Don't know if that hurt him but he laughed
     At it himself. Or laughed at me laughing at him.
     I was nine and I did not know he
     Stole
     It
     From
     Work.
Did it matter?
Does it now?

My stapler labeled University of Iowa
Is from him. Really it is a gift from
Some random supply closet at the hospital.
Was he fired for the theft of the stapler?

III.
His friends if you can call them that
Had strange names.

Ace
     who was old with a white beard
     He mixed mashed potatoes and corn
     Which I do
     I like the colors of yellow corn on the
     Whitish background of the potatoes
     With salt and pepper and brown of the
     Potato skin. One memory of Ace.

Norb
     Worked at the cab company. Norb
     Short for Norbert. He sat next to Mom
     At Dad's funeral and said to her
    "Jesus I'm glad Mark's not here" using my
     Real name because Dad did.
     That made two of us. I stayed away
     And missed Dad's last spectacle
     And last friend

Mystery Woman
     At the funeral who paid for the casket and
     Took the American flag nicely folded
     While my mom watched open mouthed.
     Not shocked not angry but
     Understanding what she was watching
     Was what she accused him of for my entire life.
     It was right there and she looked at Mom
     With venom and thought
     The exact same thing.

"Jesus I'm glad Mark's not here."
That makes two of us.